Inspiration....

strangest moments...

Sat, 29 Nov 2008 03:59:39 GMT

At work, on my blackberry, experiencing a caffine crash. Feeling emotionally beaten for no good reason. I'm thinking that I need to give up caffine. Well, not all caffine because that seems impossible as even chocolate or tea has caffine in it, but the obvious forms of caffine. Drugs, coffee and... Drugs? I had another form in my head I've just.. Forgotten. I gotta say though, I really do love my blackberry and I really do love that I can do this anywhere - anytime. Siigh, I haven't had any meat in almost two weeks. I still eat seafood, but I hope to give that up someday as well. Preferrably when I learn to love tofu. Hmm. It just seems like so much to give up meat and now caffine. You know, like its a lot to think about. Aaand now I've got to vacuum at work. I wish I could rant more about my caffine induced depression...
*edit* so I'm done vacuuming and unless another table steps in I'm done for the night. I don't even have an appetite right now, of course, caffine does that as well. Sigh, I feel so restricted sometimes. Can't spend money, can't eat meat, must work out, can't have caffine, must work, must go to school, must do homework must pass everything.. Gotta help mom, gotta help everyone. And to top it off, I have so much hate and anger in me. And I'm always trying to fix myself. Always learning to cope with people, be less angry, be more accepting, more laid back. I want to be better, yet I never feel like I'm good enough. Always try to be rational, non-judgemental, try to keep the sociological imagination. I'm tired. Sometimes I just want to crash and stay in a hole for a while. On the contrary though, I often feel like I'm alive because I try to do so much. Strange isn't it? I feel like I do so much yet in hindsight it always looks like I've done nothing. Today for example, I worked on my music documentary for four hours but didn't get much done. I mean, I did stuff.. But not four hours worth of stuff. I wonder what took me so long? Sigh... The last week of school is incredibly stressful. Yet again, I haven't actually done anything.. Just a whole lot of thinking. Speaking of my music documentary, I'm the producer (leader, pretty much). I rewrote most of the script, am editting music and vocals and am now re-recording most of the vocals becauswe the other girl didn't do it properly. Sigh. I went from feeling like I wasn't doing enough to feeling like I'm doing most of the work. I think that's a major reason why I'm so upset right now, but I'm the producer... I'm sure all I need to do is ask. And I did not too long ago, people seem to be cooperative.. I can only hope for the best - guess.
Okay.. I think I've run out of juice.

"I Will Follow You Into The Dark"

Fri, 28 Nov 2008 09:31:44 GMT

I think since my last entry that contained my many bitter emotions and memories, I haven't been angry. and that's... good :)

I think I'm doing better. I'm starting to cope with the changes in my life, and I'm starting to flow with the currents. About freakin time.

I can multi-manage things in life! I never could before, and I'm doing a horrible job at it right now, but at least I can...

I'm so happy that I've met Vinh, and I'm so happy that we fit really well together.

I don't think I can stress enough how much I truly appreciate our lack of communication problems. It's like... heaven.

Hm, someone I can communicate clearly with. I wonder if I've ever felt this way before? I guess we'll see how things go, but as far as I can see, he's someone who understands me and I'm someone who... well honestly I could understand anyone, but I understand him as well.

and we talk things out :| ISN'T THAT STRANGE? I found someone that doesn't piss me off!! I'm sure he will, but he never intends to and there isn't anything about him that I just cannot accept.

If I could, I would just go on about all the things I like about him. or all the things I like about him and me. or all the things I like about myself when I'm with him.

sigh. what I would give to stay this happy forever. I don't think I have anything to give for that though. I just gotta try my damn hardest to not fuck this one up :) that is wrong though. I never fucked anything up. I was just stupid and didn't know when I was supposed to leave. there is a bright side though. would I have ever met vinh if things didn't go the way they did with dan?

If I didn't leave Tyson for Dan, and then Dan and I both decide to go to full time school, so we move into his mom's house and we start eating at this restaurant called Pang Pang and I meet Vinh and The Source pisses me off so I go get a job at Pang Pang and........ hmm. I don't even know what tense I'm writing in anymore!

でも、私はすごくうれしです。たぶん、大好きと思います。愛です。

Do you ever...

Thu, 20 Nov 2008 09:58:06 GMT

Have you ever?

Ever..

Ever...

felt so incredibly in love that you were too afraid to admit that it just may be love?

"after fucking up so many times, how is it possible for this to be love?" has that ever run through your head?

Broken in so many ways - almost numb to life, yet brought back... even if it's just a spark.

That tiny spark that may be called happiness...

It's really silly.

I think the way it goes is that the emotions are so strong, that it couldn't possibly be..

or if I were to admit to such blasphemy.. it would fall to pieces

I'd rather tape my mouth shut than let it fall to pieces.

Don't. Please?

Let's never speak of this again.

I know, I know.. I'll get cancer..

Wed, 05 Nov 2008 16:45:44 GMT

*siiiiigh*

what to do, what to do. I am more focused in life than I have ever been. I'm not one-track minded, and I'm super motivated to do... well... everything!

Ok that's a BIT of a lie.. I'm not overly enthusiastic about work, but I'm still working.. and it's been 3 months there... hooray for 3 months!

I've also been going to the gym almost everyday since my birthday... what a present from myself! :D but you see? I'm doing everything I want to do instead of just sitting around wishing I was going to go do it!

Give me a high five for discovering that I actually do have a crush on my crush. Sigh, silly isn't it? after I put in so much effort to write my last blog... only to contradict myself! we're... dating... it's good on many levels, but now very very bad after my friend put some perspective into me. well the relationship itself is not bad, just... having to reflect and speculate on it is bad :(

I hate having to think. At least I look like I think now because I got glasses!

hm.. hm.. so let's be realistic then. Suppose I do have feelings for Dan. What would they be? and why? This seems silly, having to recall what sort of feelings I had and what feelings I may have...
-frustration
-companionship
-motherly
-bossy/superior-ish
-caring

I always wanted to give Dan the successful relationship that he couldn't have, and I guess that is a mistake on my part. His two serious relationships before me ended because they both, coincidentally, cheated on him and left him on his birthday. And he, being the passive/aggressive person that he is... well, you know... cut himself. I didn't want Dan to cut himself anymore. I didn't want him to hate himself, blame himself, hurt himself anymore. Every person deserves to enjoy every breath they take in and breathe out. I think the relationship started out with me trying to inspire him, and over long periods of time, attempting to inspire him turned bitter and sour and became something more like.. just trying to control him. I am very against controlling another person... more on this later on. Even near the end of the 3 years, I still did my best to keep my head on straight and still try to inspire him, or help him come out of his shell, or freakin get some sort of goddamn bloody reaction out of him... lol. But the people around him, and even some people who were just mere spectators thought that I was the one who supressed him. Yeah.. I may have done that. I could just have such a strong personality that his just seems to disappear. I never looked at it that way though. It just always seemed to me that whenever we were out, Dan kept to himself very quietly, and I was so loud and onboxious.. that that's just what it looked like.

I feel horrible. I don't know what I've done, I only really know my perspective and my experience, and of course, I don't like to think that I'm the bad person. When we were together, alone, he seemed to have tons of personality. Humourous, romantic, fun... but when we're out he goes and hides somewhere and I'm... alone. I felt lonely on many different aspects while I was with him. He, being the unrealistic romantic that he is.. would say "you're never alone, I'll always be in here" and point to my head or heart...

The highlight of being with Dan was that he was super romantic, so yeah.. it was a high of natural.. superficial energy. I loved being in love with Dan... but that's it. How long could I possibly stay high for? The Honeymoon Phase was great. It was intense, and yes... to me it truly felt like we were no other couple. Nope... I for some reason thought that I would feel that way for the rest of my life. Actually, truth be told.. I probably could have if it weren't for a few significant events.

Maybe if he didnt get piss drunk, scream at me in the middle of downtown, we go home to talk about it, we get home, he goes puke, he passes out, i cry for 9 hours, he wakes up unable to recall what happend. Umm.. maybe I wouldn't have gotten scarred. maybe.

Maybe if I wasn't talking to him about something extremely serious and heartbreaking, and he fell asleep on me... maybe it would've worked.

Maybe if when his mom caused me excruiciating pain, he could've stepped in to protect me... yeah, that's a big one.. maybe I would've stopped bitching at him so much. I would've stopped crying every night until 7am, I would've been stress free, happy, things would've gotten done, I'd want to go out more, do more, have fun. This is the biggest one. The way it goes in my mind is, Dan would rather wake up at 5am and watch me cry every fucking night than tell his mom "excuse me woman, you did this and it was hurtful."

because it's easier...

apparantly it's hard to tell someone that they've caused you pain... and it's much much easier to watch the person you "love" cry.. all the fucking time.

no person in this world can ever get away with saying they love me anymore. because if this one person, who supposedly loved me, could not simply tell his mom that she hurt US (not just me, she hurt us both) then there is no love. not from his fake-ass mouth.

I'm not bitter, I'm just realistic. I am very willing and accepting of someone else's love IF I can see that it is indeed.. love.

I never know when to give up sometimes.. there were many many times where I just wanted it to end. I feel A LOT better now that it's over, and I can't imagine myself going back to him. I don't want fake love. I don't want lies, I don't want garbage. After I get all of my stuff from him, I'm not sure if I even really want to be friends. I'm sure I can be civil, but I could careless of what he thinks/feels. If he were to find out that I'm already seeing another person, it just wouldn't bother me. Because to me, in my mind, he sabotaged the relationship. *shrug* I know how this sounds... I'm sure it sounds egotistical and... retarded, but I KNOW that I pulled almost all the effort in the relationship. He was just there and hoped that things would work out.

Well FUCK. There's a difference between being laid back, and being a complete asshole. I could elaborate on this, but I only have 27 minutes left until my class starts.

my crush, my current... boyfriend. I mean, it's new, so I'm a little hesitant to say boyfriend at this time, but yeah.. we are exclusively seeing eachother. he's... and now that Kathy put some thought into me, it's sad to say that he is better. I know how he feels about this, he doesn't think he's better than anyone.. he's just who he is, and I know what he means. He's not better than Dan, but he can satisfy me more than Dan could. make sense? Anyway, I understand now that I need to see if I want to be with him for him, or if I'm just happy because he's more suited for my needs.

I would just hate for him to get away, but I would also hate to ruin the relationship with my bitterness.

I know I say I'm not bitter, but I'm actually quite bitter...

Kathy mentioned that instead of being bitter, I should be enjoying my time with my current boyfriend. I do enjoy my time with him. a lot. I enjoy his company so much. we joke and share this twisted sense of humour that probably only we can really understand. we can talk about anything, and we do talk about a lot of things. we have (what I call) intellectual conversations. we keep eachother in place. we stand our ground, so neither of us are going to control one another... that is the best part. I can't control him. and the other best part.. I can be myself, and not be called a bitch for it. because he understands. wow.. a man that understands. it's because he's older. i can't get enough of him, and he has made it clear that he can't get enough of me and.... i duno... i'm just very happy with him, and i'm always thinking about him and i'm always missing him. it's silly.... :P but he makes me happy, and he makes me smile... a lot. yeaaahh.. silly :P

..... I don't know what to do.

Open, Naked and Vulnerable.

Tue, 21 Oct 2008 19:50:07 GMT

Boys like me.

I don't know what to do....

I don't know if I like them, I don't even know what it ACTUALLY feels like to like someone. I've only been single for... 4 days.

Yep... single, but not on the market yet. I actually can't remember when I was really on the market... I think I was 19 at the time.. and it only lasted a month.

"When you're too in love to let it go" I guess you could say this line is what drove me to break things off. It was ultimately a mutual agreement that we would still benefit and learn from each other as friends, but that there was nothing left for us as a couple.

Even at my voice-over workshop, I was told that I don't express myself very well. I'm not extreme enough.. is what they said. I guess that would be because I don't feel much anymore. It's impossible (for me at least) to become completely numb, but I really gotta admit that I do have troubles feeling emotions.

....is that... bad?

Also I've been meeting a lot of people lately, and well... not everyone is the same. Most people can sense my sarcasm/cynicism/mean humour, and for those who can't sense it... they think I hate them and am condescending.

oops.

They say to make it more obvious that I'm joking around, but I said that the highlight of my humour is that I act it out so seriously that its funny when people fall for it. I mean... I laugh in my head... so why isn't it actually funny?

heh heh heh...

My close friends don't think I'm rude.... eh? Anyway, I think it's been bothering me lately that people think I'm such a serious person aka a stick in the mud. And I'm really not like that at all!!

But okay, I will admit.. this one person in particular.. he's not very..... umm... intelligent? I already told him that he has communication problems, and yesterday it was extremely apparent that he has MANY communication problems.

Now I understand what it means to have a strong sense of people.

Oh and what else... broadcasting is....... AWESOME!!! I am loving every bit of it, and am loving every person I meet. We are all good looking people with great brains. Although some brains are better than others... BUT THERE ARE NO NEGATIVE VIBES ALLOWED. At least, not in my opinion. And as far as I know, I'm sure everyone is making an effort to stay friendly and positive, fake? maybe a little bit...

sigh, I have nothing interesting to say because I'm not down and gloomy.. life is pretty good. Except for BeautiControl.

No one wants an alternative to the mall. No one wants a quiet, calming atmosphere with clean samples that dont overwhelm and attempt to kill the nose. No one wants to avoid busy hallways!!!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE. I'd be more than happy to go to a candle party, or spa party, or clothing party. I HATE the mall, and I HATE walking behind people who walk slow and take up the entire hallway. It's infuriating!!!

BUY FROM ME, I'M AWESOME. No but seriously..... What am I doing wrong? Well lately I havent been doing anything, so that might be part of it. I have all my sample cards and business cards stapled together, I just need to hand em out!

ARAAGH, homework and midterms. I hope I did well on my news midterm yesterday, and.. blugh.

I think the saddest thing that could ever happen to me in my entire life is past, and life is now very calm and busy, but good. I can only really be down when it's about the past. Although not having a high enough GPA to apply for international studies is quite sad.

Japan seems so far away....

Oh, and an update about that boy that I have a crush on.. I DO NOT HAVE A CRUSH ON HIM!!! I am totally not ready to like anyone, and really would not know what to do if I ever discovered that hey.. I actually do like this person. Well, I DONT.

Random Blubber; Super Junior FanFic (Super Rough Draft)

Sun, 03 Aug 2008 04:04:23 GMT

A reality TV show based on the 13 members of Super Junior and 13 girls who auditioned to be part of the show are all thrown into one big house to live together for 6 months. There are plans for Super Junior to tour in North America and Europe, but they are in need of major English lessons. So to cut on costs of language instructors, and to maximize profit, their company came up with the idea for this reality TV show.

The girls were chosen based on basic television standards, and the girls would not only be instructing the members in english, but will also be made into stars. Fair trade, or so it seemed. They had to be good looking, possessed some sort of talent, and had a different personality as to make the show interesting for the viewers. The judges picked slightly overweight or underweight girls on purpose, hoping to stir rumours and scandals within the fandom world of Super Junior.

------ Chapter 1; Open the Doors -------

Jamie (ok, a little lame and pretty close to Joanne, but I'm lacking in creativity right now) was just a regular Canadian girl. No special talent, and not really the most beautiful person in the world, yet the words on the paper she held in her hands only stroked her ego. Being picked as one of the 13 girls to become a star in Korea, out of thousands of other auditions, would obviously make her feel good about herself. It was difficult to stay calm as she began to pack only her nice clothes and accessories. She would finally get to meet Super Junior, and actually get to hang out with them.

Time dragged on as Jamie waited at the airport, waited on the airplane, waited on more airplanes and at more airports. Her eyes were heavy, yet her body was wide awake. There was no way for her to sleep during the 25 hours of travel. It wasn't until she got picked up by a bus in Korea already full with the other 12 girls did she manage to doze off for 10 minutes.

Jamie woke with a start when she felt the bus stop and could hear the other girls standing and getting their things together. She waited for everyone else to walk past her, then proceeded to gather her belongings.

"You're not very excited, are you?"

Jamie looked to the voice, and found the face to match the voice perfectly. She was incredibly beautiful. "U-uh- yea, of course I am!" Jamie stuttered, trying to sound friendly.

"But you fell asleep, isn't that weird?"

"Well, yeah.. I guess it is." Jamie looked at the girl and tried to take her in once more. How is it humanly possible to be that beautiful? Jamie thought to herself. Finally, Jamie forced herself to talk "What's your name?"

"Aka, what's yours?"

"Jamie... so, you're Japanese then?"

"Yeah, you can tell?" Finally a small smile appeared on Aka's face.

"Yeah, I study a lot of languages" Jamie finished stuffing her bag and followed Aka off the bus.

As the girls made their way into the hotel, through the elevator and to a large meeting area, Jamie and Aka made small talk about their talents, their lives and their favorite members of Super Junior.

"So, who do you like?" Jamie asked curiously.

"Honestly? I'm not really sure. I think Sungmin is really sweet and loving, so I guess he's my... favorite?"

Jamie's mouth went dry. Sungmin? Aka likes Sungmin? How am I supposed to compete with that???

"Who do you like, Jamie?"

"Me? well.. no one.. I guess"

Suddenly a loud voice yells over all the quiet conversations in the room. "Alright girls, get ready, the meeting starts soon"

The girls were split into two groups and sent to different rooms to get ready. Before Jamie had a chance to become acquainted with Aka, they were already seperated. Jamie kept to herself as she applied her make up, already wearing her eggplant colored dress, and her hair already waving around her face.

"Sorry, can we share?"

Jamie looked up momentarily, then shifted over "yeah, go ahead." Slightly annoyed at having to share her mirror, Jamie changed her mind about what to put on so she could leave sooner, but changed her mind once more - she knew she had to be interesting for the viewers, so she might as well start now.

"So is everyone already familiar with eachother?"

"Hm? oh.. nope" The other girl mumbled while putting on mascara.

"Oh.. well my name is Jamie, what's yours?"

"Princess"

"Prin... no, I mean your real name"

"Oh that? that doesnt really matter does it? All of Super Junior have nicknames too you know. Heechul is cinderella, Leeteuk is angel, Sungmin is danhobak (sweet pumpkin)....."

Jamie droned out the noise of 'Princess' reciting off Super Junior fan facts. Time was running out anyway.

The meeting and the show will begin very soon.

--------End of Chapter 1-----------

Disclaimer: I do not own Super Junior in any way shape or form, and most definetly do not own their company either (otherwise I wouldnt be on livejournal). I do however own this story... I WROTE IT, SO THERE!!! Purely fan made, by ME.

Note to readers: I wrote this just now... like this... and nothing else. So if it's a little boring, feel free to let me know (hence the title in Super Rough Draft). Also, let me know of some good names, because I have 11 more girls to give names to, and that includes "Princess".

Chapter 2 will be the first time the girls meet super junior, and will include a parody of the show Elimidate (lolz... at least something similar to it anyway). So if you liked this chapter, you'll like the next one.

<3

At Work.

Fri, 25 Jul 2008 02:22:19 GMT

Not much to do, except for stand around and think about things. My life isn't exactly dramatic or horrendous, so I don't dwell on much or complain about anything much anymore. I think my biggest "problem" would simply be Dan's mom.

Yeah, I know.. I complain about her a lot. But I have difficulty in seeing any good in her. Like I mentioned in my last entry, she just seems heartless and only cares about money.

Honestly though, what parent wants to drag their kids down? Why wouldn't a parent want to do what they can to help their children rise in the world. I'm not saying that she shouldn't charge us rent or anything like that, but she is over-charging us in rent, and when it's cold outside she doesn't even turn the heat up so we freeze in the basement. We sleep with several blankets to stay warm. Just what are we paying for? Surely the contribution we make is more than enough to pay for all of the utilities, and yet she is still so stingy on keeping her own kid warm.

On top of all of that, before we moved in she makes us renovate her basement in 2 weekends.. and constantly asked us to come over to work on it (because of this, we both quit our jobs) and then she wants us to pay for half of the cost for the flooring.. we agreed at first because she guilt-tripped us, but there is no rationality in making someone work their ass off for 16 hours a day and then also make them pay for it. It's usually.. well, you know, the other way around.

And we are constantly starving and ordering in food because we can't use her kitchen. That's great, isn't it? What's the point in buying groceries if we can't put everything together? So do we - in actuality - save money? NO.

So I asked dan to negotiate with her and ask her if we could pay her $500.00 in rent for August. Using the reason that we have to pay for school and books and won't be able to afford more. She says "yes, but give me the rest of it in september."

Ridiculous.

But she is just like that. She has always been like that, and then when she started taking anti-depressants and seeing a counsellor, she apologized "I'm sorry for all the trouble I caused you guys". What good is this apology now?

I don't know. Maybe I'm the ridiculous one. Maybe I'm blind and stupid and irrational. Maybe it's just "natural" to do everything she demands. Maybe it's okay for her to be childish. Maybe it's okay for her to guilt-trip us. Who am I to say what is acceptable or not?

Word of advice, don't date spanish people. I mean, unless you can somehow appeal to the over-bearing, overly possesive mother and you're willing to come in 2nd to the person you're dating (because 'mommy' would be #1) then go for it. And if you're like me, well that's too bad. I couldn't exactly say "STOP! Don't fall in love yet... meet his MOM first."

Yet if only it was a reality TV show, then everything would be recorded and she could REALLY SEE what happens. It's not like that though, she sees what she wants to see... nothing.

And every moment I become vunerable, she takes the opportunity to attack me.

I'd say, that's the ideal figure to become. Kick em' when they're down right? I'll try it out some time.

I'll try it out on her.

What's Changing?

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 06:15:34 GMT

So I never really liked my mom that much. Actually, I used to hate her a lot, but it seems as though she's changing, and I don't mean in a way that'll only fool me for a week or two.. I mean that she just seems a lot less stressed and more like budda. Don't get me wrong, as some people would, but I don't exactly believe in religion, but I do believe in characters with certain personalities. And isn't Budda someone who is calm and awake? Well, my mom is still my mom, but she's a lot more accepting of - well, almost everything. It's like, the flower is opening up more and now we can start getting along like friends and become close. I guess you could say that I'm opening up towards her a lot more too, so that also plays a role in this improving relationship.

It makes me really happy, and after she dropped me off at work today.. I felt for the first time that I really missed her. I could've cried just from the unfamiliar and confusing emotion. I'm actually excited to move back to her place. I think it's just that she's starting to see me more as an adult now, and I guess being an adult is really a priviledge. Although... I still feel old.

Today she said she regretted working too much and leaving us at home, but being abandoned at home really isn't that bad at all. Perhaps society just makes it seem so much more dramatic than it actually is. I mean, most asian cultures either work with their kids on their back or leave them at home.... so, I guess I just got an authentic experience. And truth be told, I'd much rather be cultured than.. uhh.. canadian.

When I was younger, it was all about trying to be more canadian so that people would actually like me, and then maybe I could actually make some lifetime friends. Well... all that trying didn't get me anywhere, and I'm not exactly interested in that stuff either.

Speaking of trying to be canadian, I find this area I'm living in is racist and extremely.. umm... white.. and trashy. (What better way to describe racism than to be racist, eh?) But of all areas of the city I've lived in, this is the worst. Not for crime, just for the people. I hate them. I've lived in areas with high crime rates, but nothing has happend to me. I've lived in rich areas, poor areas - it's all pretty much the same, but this area here really sticks out.

While I'm bringing on the hate, I only went to the gym twice last month.. and none this month.. AND IT'S ALREADY HALF WAY THROUGH. Who would've thought "oh I'll go tomorrow" could make the days go by faster?

I'm fat.

Not in a typical, whiny.. girlish type way.. but I just.. wouldn't mind being healther... and prettier.

Although, yeah... I'm quite pretty.

Oh Eunhyuk... of all super junior members, Eunhyuk is probably the one that sticks out the most... considering that he raps in all of the songs.. it's pretty much impossible to not know him. (unless you don't know super junior...) I think my favorite is when he raps in "marry u" and "U". The part in "Marry U" sends shivers up my spine... so I can't really help but like it. Although "Mirror" is really amazing too.... but I think that's a cover.

Saranghae Eunhyuk "oppa" - he's not exactly older than me, but the word oppa is sooooo CUTE. Plus, I don't know what the word is for a junior in Korean....... and I don't even really love him either... :| but hey it's a pretty cool word! I guess....

Korean is too much effort to learn. Korean alphabet n all... especially when some characters look like japanese characters but have different pronunciations.

Life is sorta hard :(

<3 Saranghae!

I hate super junior.

Wed, 28 May 2008 09:22:47 GMT

That's not true. I really love them. I just hate liking people I don't know. It's this strange feeling of wanting to meet them to get to know them better, but also knowing that it'll never happen. I think this feeling also invoked when I listen to their song "marry u" and it gives me shivers cause it's good............ I'm not making any sense.

I'm on benyall right now, or whatever it's called. I'm drowsy, but wide awake at the same time. I'm also anxious, nervous, slightly sad, worried, content and uncaring all at the same time. Umm yeah, I'm sure that all sums up to being high. I can't even tell if this is real or not right now. Well I can sort of tell because I can feel the keys on the tips of my fingers. I just realised that when I'm not reading, I feel fine but when I read my head spins a little bit and I feel sort of dizzy.

....I hope I didn't overdose... I just wanted to get rid of my cold!!! I'M NOT GUILTY.......

I've decided that I want to buy a house, but really... that's going to take a long time. Especially in calgary... I've wanted to move away for a long time, but right now.. at this very high moment, I can't imagine living anywhere else. It's like I'm realising the truth or something.

*deep breath*

I wonder if I go lay down, if I'll be able to fall asleep or not.

I hate being sick. I also hate not knowing enough Japanese. Why only know a little? Why not be fluent? How can I be fluent? I wish I could just sleep on a book and transfer all of it's knowledge into my brain overnight.

Like, shiteru. what is shiteru? wait, i think i know that one already. i'm hungry.. wtf. nope, can't break down shiteru... but i feel i know it somehow.

i dont feel good... maybe im tired now.

oyasumi nasai.

-edit-

on a side note, i wonder if this is how lindsay lohan feels when she took so many drugs. well..... nah, i bet recreational drugs actually feel better than this or something. i dont know why i felt the urge to write these things. im just strange.

-edit again-

i just felt another urge to state that i'm seriously... really... gorgeous.

i love me. <3

Naturally Bad People.

Thu, 15 May 2008 01:31:23 GMT

Today I had my broadcasting interview. It was fun and put me in a really good mood. I got home and thought to myself (while sweeping the floor) "there's no way this day can go wrong."

Umm.. yeah, wrong.

Let me explain what the title means. There are naturally good people who make a few mistakes here and there, but overall they're just awesomely good people. Then there's naturally bad people who are sometimes nice, but regardless of their fake-niceness, their poor attitude cancels it all out and they're nothing but pieces of shit.

Oops, I let my anger slip a little there...

I pulled my back 3 times on sunday. I was lifting light boxes, and knowing that they were light I didn't lift them properly and so I could not attend work on monday and tuesday. That makes four days off in a row. Does that mean I'm jobless? no.... not to me anyway.

But to a certain person, I am supposedly not working, and I'm lying about pulling my back - using it as an excuse so that I don't have to work.

Does anyone see why I'm so confused? I have never done anything to this person. I am ALWAYS nice to (their face). Everything has been smooth sailing lately until this person stirs this stuff up in her own mind. Is this the true nature of a depressed person? When there isn't drama, they have to make it up? Well if it is, remind me to steer clear of the hardcore (and I mean, SERIOUSLY, hardcore) depressed people.

This person hurts me ALL THE TIME, and I am ALWAYS respectful towards her. The fact that she decided to verbally attack me today, well.. I'm not sure what that means. All I can really say is that I went from an extremely good mood to a horrible one. I could feel my blood boil as my hands shook while I cried. This time, I really don't know what I did wrong.

All I wanted was to recover from my injury so that I could return to work, but I can't even rest peacefully. I rarely interact with this person, so to have her randomly think so lowly of me is really hurtful. Yes, it's true that I job-hop a lot, but there were usually circumstances that I didn't like and so I left. I actually really like this job, despite my scandalous manager, it's a ton of fun. However I don't think it's even the job part that pisses me off, I think it's the part where she said that I'm making up excuses.

Umm.. excuse me?

Do I emit compulsive-liar vibes?

If so, please tell me so I can try to fix that. I only lie when necessary.

The final fact is, when she is not taking anti-depressants, she is a naturally bad person. And sadly, her naturally good son is someone that I really love and care for.

The Differences.

Sat, 03 May 2008 22:25:26 GMT

I don't write many interesing or meaningful blogs. I recently went to my good friend Lystra's blog for the first time and every entry was filled with well worded descriptions of emotions and thoughts and humour. There were so many things that I didn't know about her and it was sad for me to find these things out, but I was also happy that she happily and easily gave me access to read her blog. I think I may have also been envious that I only have scattered diary entries everywhere. On scrap pieces of paper, on teenopendiary.com, in duotangs sitting around in my mom's house, and in word documents (on a computer that crashed, so it might be scrapped). I have another word document on my old computer that wont turn on at all. I think those were good entires, but it's strange.. I don't really read my old entries that often and when I do they don't really mean much to me anymore.

I like to tell people that I enjoy writing, but I also don't like to tell people that I enjoy writing. I'm not very good at it. Even though I've always written, and I have an interesting imagination, I still cant bring things out very good. I think I can, and I think I can't. Maybe I'm just a big contradiction. Well, someone once put it as "one's biggest opposition is one's self" (obviously in words that actually made sense) and it's probably true. In fact, I feel that it is true right now.

I feel really old. I probably already mentioned this in a blog before, but I sometimes wonder what I've accomplished in the past 23 years? I wish I could dance really well. I enjoy dancing a lot, but there are so many different factors to why I can't dance. I wish I could sing, I've been taught before but I wish I had the intelligence at the time to stick it out and realise my faults. Someone once brought to my attention that I never follow through or finish anything. I can play piano at a beginner's level, I can play really basic guitar, I'm decent at dancing, writing... I'm partially fluent in Chinese and Japanese. Everything I know how to do is only at a half-assed level. Man, doesn't that suck. I think it was that very comment that drove the determination into me to learn Japanese at an excellent level which gained me an A+ last semester. Then I decided I didn't really care to learn Japanese anymore, and only manged a B- this semester... BOO.

Not to mention, my newest ipod is only causing problems for me. Sigh.. gotta fix that now.

Rock: Part 2 of my rant (the bad dog day).

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 04:43:42 GMT

Ok, so earlier today I let rock out to pee. Then I saw him running down the path in the front lawn, and I tried to call him back into the house. I immediately went to put my shoes on and then I opened the door and rock started running back towards me and into the house. I only caught a glimpse of a person shovelling their sidewalk.

Later in the day, when I wasn't home, we got a letter in the mailbox from that person and they claimed that Rock bit their hand and their elbow. I don't believe that rock actually bit them for many reasons. First off, rock didn't even bark. Secondly, the person didn't yell out or scream. Thirdly, it only takes me two seconds to put my shoes on and as soon as I turned around he was already on his way back. Is it really possible in the two second frame for rock to be half way down the path and then half way back up the path? Anyway, whether it actually happend or not isn't the issue here.

Dan's mom has enforced a rule that I cannot take rock out to the bathroom. Fine by me. I wonder if it has come to her attention that he would be holding his pee for over 8 hours straight again? I have a lot of things to say about the incident.

First of all, it's not my fault he ran off to bite someone. Rock is not properly trained, he doesn't listen to anyone. It doesn't matter if it's me, Dan or Dan's mom, but she would like to think that rock is this obedient little puppy around her and dan.

Secondly, I opened the door to let him run to the backyard to pee - the same method dan's mom uses when she lets him out, so what difference will it make when she's the one opening the door for him?

I think the reason why I'm extremely upset about this issue is because Lidia (Dan's mom) is being unfair. By enforcing such a rule, she has unspokenly stated that it was indeed my fault. She thinks that she is solving the problem by not allowing me to take the dog out to the bathroom, which pretty much means that she thinks the problem lies in me. Well, I don't think it's me that's the problem, I think it's the fact that rock can't control his... urges... to chase after people and dogs.

So when I came home today, Lidia comes to greet us and tells us the score for the hockey game and in mid-sentence I feel this pain in my middle. I look down and without surprise it was rock that jumped up on me, almost pushing me over. But it wasn't even that he jumped up on me to say hello, he jumped, pushed and then walked away.. is that hello? Lidia doesn't apologize, Lidia doesn't say anything, Lidia doesn't care. Lidia thinks that rock is just "playing" and that what he's done isn't wrong. Lidia doesn't know why I dislike rock, she only knows that I do. and that part, REALLY ticks me off. it's like she's blind, or purposely turns her head the other way.

I have about a million more reasons to dislike that woman, but they're not dog related. so my third blog for the day ends here.

My love/hate relationship with dogs.

Sun, 20 Apr 2008 19:09:03 GMT

I just read many articles about why people dislike dogs, and they have many good points; however, they all had some mention of killing a dog or wanting to or something... anyway, I dislike dogs, but I do not think they need to just be killed off.. that's just cruel.

The dog at the house I'm currently living in though, well, I'd be better off without him around. He whined and barked for two hours straight this morning. And if he wasn't whining or barking, he was bouncing his ball over a vent IN MY ROOM. IT'S LIKE HE KNOWS THAT I'M THERE. I can't stand anyone or anything that wakes me up even if it's something or someone that I like, so being woken up by this stupid uncute dog really really pissed me off. THAT'S THE OTHER THING, he's NOT cute. I absolutely adore dogs when they're cute, but this dog isn't even cute in the slightest. He's UGLY. I think it's great that there's people out there who want to take care of dogs like their own children, or as their best friends. And yes, I have experienced the affection from dogs before and I did enjoy it. I didn't mind them sitting on my lap, or jumping up on me when I see them. But that's because, they were small dogs. THIS dog pees on people, okay.. not a full on pee, but a couple of drops here and there... and really, 4 or 5 drops on my white shoes isn't a big deal.. right? WRONG. The second part to the whole peeing thing is, what can the owner say? "oh sorry" I mean really, what can an owner do if their dog gets overly excited and pees on people. The third part is, Rock's owner doesn't live here. Rock's owner abandoned him here, and now Rock's owner's mom takes care of Rock (but refuses ownership). Okay, anyway as I was saying. I like small dogs, I like to cuddle with them and play fetch with them. Rock is big, and lean - MUSCLE ONLY. So when this dog jumps up on me to give me a "hug" it's more like a "push me over so I can smack the back of my head on the wall or floor".

I hate rock. He doesn't know his own strength, his bark is too loud, he wasn't trained properly, he doesn't know the commands "sit" "down" or ANYTHING. He doesn't know ANY commands, he only does certain things in the same order.. everytime. THAT pisses me off, so I attempted to train him so that he could recognize the words. Instead of "sit" being the first thing, I told him to lay down, after a couple of days of making him lay down first, Dan and his mom tried to give Rock a treat by making him sit. What did he do? well... he obviously laid down. But he didn't really lay down, it was this confused mix of pawing for the treat while in this awkward position of sitting and laying at the same time.

I'm just irritated because I used to really love dogs, and..... I don't know what happend. Maybe it's just him.

No presents this year.

Sun, 20 Apr 2008 08:37:03 GMT

I know, I know. Christmas is still far far away, but it has already come to my attention that I won't have any funds to buy presents for anyone this year. I have lots of money to save up, but before that I have lots of debt to pay off. Sadly, I may not be able to go on vacation in 2009 either. Well actually, I COULD go in 2009, but then all the money I saved up would be gone within days and that just seems like a waste. I'm tempted to cut all credit cards now, but I'm afraid we might need them some time in the future... you never know, right? Well, hopefully I can do better to control myself (with spending money, and with keeping my job).

Speaking of which, I am really enjoying my job at The Source by Circuit City, right now. Everyone is really cool, and we even ordered pizza on friday.. which I think will actually turn into an every friday event. I really hope things work out well there, I dont think I'll end up getting screwed over at this job, so I'm sure that I'll stay longer than my usual 6 months. Maybe it's just bad luck, but everytime I like a job that I want to stay at I get driven to the point of walking out at 6 months. Well... at least for my last 2 6-month jobs anyway.

Wish me luck!

Fight.

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 23:15:05 GMT

Isn't it contradicting to apologize to someone just to turn things around on them? Some people are sensitive to being called names, and maybe I am a little harsh at times with the name calling. But sometimes I feel justified with labelling people with names. I really try to hold back with judgement, and I really try to keep an open mind. But there are times when I am pushed to the edge where I really really honestly feel like that person is a "fill in the blank".

A good example is when someone doesn't understand anything I'm saying, so I continually try to explain what I'm saying in different words with different methods hoping that what I'm saying will get through to that person. As these explanations go on, sometimes I raise the volume of my voice a little and in return, the receipent also raises their voice. It eventually gets to the point where I can't even be reasonable anymore and I just call them "fill in the blank". Most of the time, that blank consists of "retard" "dumbass" or "stupid". Why? Probably with the frustration of not being understood I feel as though the other person lacks the intellegence to receive my thoughts.

Perhaps it's because I've been called names my entire life that they don't really bother me so much, but my ex-boyfriend got teary eyed at the littlest comments (by little, I mean idiot... seriously, how can idiot be an insult to anyone?) and who knows, there's probably tons more people out there that are like him that get majorly damaged with just the slightest things. sensitive, eh? Or.. maybe I am verbally abusive. *shrug* sure, maybe that's how I fight.

Really though... an apology should mean that that person has understood what they've done wrong and so they are "sorry" and they will not do it again (in most general cases anyway).

But no.

In real life, the word "sorry" is a way to get that bitching-nagging person to just shut the fuck up. Am I wrong? I would laugh if someone wanted to argue this fact.

What I would like to say is that... the reason why "that bitching-nagging person" won't shut the fuck up, is probably because no one is listening to "that bitching-nagging-person" and so "that bitching-nagging person" keeps saying the same thing over and over again until "that bitching-nagging person" is finally understood.

What really pisses me off though, is that it really shouldn't cost so much just for a little compassion and understanding.

Unfortunately, that's what it costs to run a relationship. And unfortunately, lots of north americans get into "serious" relationships, not knowing this fact and they fall apart.

So let me state this fact, and yes it might seem rude to generalise, but this statement just seems so true most of the time: Men are fucking retards.

I repeat.

Men are fucking retards.

The reason why women should fantasize is so that they can fill up that empty void. You know, that void of not being heard or understood.. THAT void. Men are stupid. Period. They might be smart in some areas, but they will always be stupid in the area of relations.

Okay alright, so I'm obviously pissed because I just got into a fight with my common-law partner. It was a small miscommunication, I was trying to fix this miscommunication, he said something stupid (that technically, I could of just let go but I decided to get angry about it) he apologized for the stupid thing he said (aka please shut up now) and I continued to explain to him why what he said was mean and he turned it around on me. BUT, that's his trademark, he always turns things around on me.

But what's the point of an apology if you're just going to do that?

He came up to apologize in a better manner while I was writing this blog, but before he could I told him to leave me alone. He said he wanted to apologize, and I replied with "no, you don't know how so go away." I guess it could sound mean, but to me, it's true that he doesn't know how to mend things properly.

Sadly, I haven't really met anyone (in general, not just boys) who knows how to properly say "I'm sorry".

すごく。。。　かわいい！！！

Sat, 12 Apr 2008 04:25:20 GMT

honto... I'm losing my mind, hanging onto the edge of sanity over a sea of fangirlism. make it go away!

anyway, crushes aside.. what shall I write for my final scenario? it says "talk about your plans for an upcoming vacation" and it has to be 12 sentences... hum..... i could technically talk about going to japan, but I'm sure most people in my class will be talking about that... argh! I'm.. I'm.. INFATUATED!!!!!! I think I'll go talk to Alex now, she understands these emotions....

Choujin Tights GIANT #45: hijacked by kids.

Thu, 10 Apr 2008 20:07:34 GMT

Watching this video (Provided by Saorren) last night on livejournal really kicked it up a knotch for me. I was pretty sure that I wanted to lean more towards not liking Suzumura-san so much anymore, but then I watched this video and it changed the way I thought about him. And.. and.. and... he's so............ adorably-amazing!!!!! Kyaaa~~~~ he was so good with all those mean kids, it left me in total awe. And right now, it's not agonizing :P

Desires'n Things: only to be understood by the unreasonably imaginative.

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 07:30:21 GMT

Truth be told, I am probably more capable than I give myself credit for. I know more Japanese than I'm willing to admit.. though it's not something I do on purpose, I do think that perhaps I need to give myself a little more praise (or something along those lines). I just read a mock letter about someone's summer vacation, and understood all of it. Had I not been so lazy, I'd probably still get an A+ in the class, but after missing so many... humm... I think I'd get either a B+ or an A-.

But somehow, I still feel so far behind. There's still so much I don't know or understand in the language. There's still probably a million things that can be said that I wouldn't understand, and it makes me feel old. But I mean... am I old? In some ways, I'm ONLY 23... but in others I'm ALREADY... 23. I want to move to Japan, but I know this will take so much preparation.. by the time I can move, I may be 26 or so. The thought of moving at the age of 26 makes me feel like I'm already too old to go, so I shouldn't even bother with going.

Strange, isn't it? I feel like I haven't accomplished anything. I've heard from other people that they feel the same way, and they're younger than I am. Sighzzz. Isn't there any other way for me to learn more, faster? I wonder what happens after this class. More sentence structures? I.. don't.. know...

I'm crushing on Suzumura Kenichi AGAIN. It's ridiculous.. really, can't something be done about this? By this, I'm referring to the attraction to total strangers. I admire him a lot, I daydream about him a lot as well.

It's just... agonizing.

It's not that I'm unsatisfied with Dan, but I like Suzumura-san so much that I feel the urges to be with him. Isn't that REALLY weird? I'm a borderline fangirl! NOOOO!!!! Continuing with this notion of being by Suzumura-san's side, it's..... it's like... well I guess the basis of it is just wanting something that I can't have. But I think it can get even worse when people start to admire animated characters from anime or video games.

I guess this is what it's like for Matt :P I wish I had friends his age so that he could have a girlfriend already, but I don't. He's really nice, and not that bad looking.. oh I'm mean, he's actually pretty attractive.. I'm just centuries older than him.

I think the other irritating thing is that, even if I did get to meet Suzumura-san, it'd be as a "fan" and that's not exactly what I would want either. Why bother meeting him? Unless there was a fun activity involved, what's the point in just meeting him to say hello? and I don't just mean him, but I mean anyone in general. I enjoy hanging out, talking over dinner with big groups of people, playing all sorts of games. Sometimes I even like to do physical activities and show off just how out-of-shape I am. (No really, I need to hit the gym pretty soon...)

I guess that leads me to another topic: I don't have any deep bonds. I hear about other people's stories of their great friends doing fantastic things for them and it just leaves me to think that I don't have many bonds like that. I've formed many bonds in my life, but they all fade away one way or another. I wonder, if by the time I'm old, will I have a group of old timers to hang out with?

I don't really think so. I think I'm a loner type of person. I'm good with people, but I really enjoy my solitude.... aaaand I always somehow manage to really piss people off (lol).

Humm, just another bloggity blog by Joanne. I need to start posting some stories soon.

Reflecting on my fave J-boys

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 06:05:56 GMT

3 earths, 3 airs... and they oddly match up.

earth:
naoya gomoto
aoyama sota
suzumura kenichi

air:
yoshino hiroyuki
miyano mamoru
sakurai takahiro

humm.... i have this dream of moving to japan and pimping out all these guys.. a dream that OBVIOUSLY will not ever come true.. oh well :( i dont think i'm the multiple-dating type anyway, i'd get too attached to.... everyone, and have to stop dating.... everyone.

strange.

before sept 2007 i NEVER found ANY asian guy attractive and now my head is in the clouds of japanese men. maybe soon enough my head will be up in the clouds of japanese women too.

imagine that.

so aside from j-boys, i'm convinced that i'm scitzophrenic, and that i didn't spell that correctly.

Hot J-Boys: Joanne's Faves

Sun, 02 Mar 2008 07:20:49 GMT

I had the urge to type out all the J-Boys that I like to admire, so here it goes.

Miyano Mamoru
Birthdate: June 8th 1983
What I know him best for: His voice role in Ouran High School Host Club as Tamaki Suou, and Deathnote as Yagami Light
http://mamo0608.blog34.fc2.com/

Gomoto Naoya
Birthdate: April 25th 1980
What I know him best for: His acting role in Prince of Tennis Musical as Kaidou Kaoru
http://sanpo.naoya.sunnyday.jp/

Aoyama Sota
Birthdate: September 17th 1979
What I know him best for: His acting role in Prince of Tennis Musical as Inui Sadaharu
http://playlog.jp/sota/blog/

Yoshino Hiroyuki
Birthdate: February 6th 1974
What I know him best for: Random videos of Saint Beast Live Parties, and StaMen

Sakurai Takahiro
Birthdate: June 13th 1974
What I know him best for: His voice roles in Final Fantasy 7 as Cloud, Zombie Loan as Tachibana Shito, Black Cat as Jenos Hazard, Bleach as Kira Izuru, Naruto Shippuden as Sasori, and Jyushin Enbu as Ryuuko

Suzumura Kenichi
Birthdate: September 12th 1974
What I know him best for: His voice roles in Final Fantasy 7 as Zack, Zombie Loan as Akatsuki Chika, Ouran High School Host Club as Hikaru, and Jyushin Enbu as Taito and StaMen

*sigh* too bad I can't add pictures here like I would be able to on facebook. oh well, they are all handsome men that I'm sure lots of other girls admire too :P

Bitterness and Hatred: A Speculative Blog (but probably very bloggish)

Sat, 16 Feb 2008 10:55:34 GMT

I have learnt with other people that it's better to be at peace with things. No hate, no love.. nothing. Just look forward to the future, take care of myself and live in harmony. But there is one particular person that doesn't fail to piss me off everytime I think of him. We don't keep in touch, nor is there any possibility of contacting eachother (except through Facebook, but why would I do that?)

No wonder why teenage sex is frowned upon.

Women - no, maybe men and women aren't emotionally prepared to have sex at such a young age. I don't mean about taking precautions to avoid pregnancy or anything.. I think if I had to catagorize it, it'd be the aspect of being in a serious relationship that's sexually active.

I don't think about him often, actually I never purposely think of him. Sometimes those memories just come back to piss me off. Sometimes I go back to my mom's house and find old love letters. I read a little bit, and I get so mad at myself for saying such rediculous teenage-type stuff. "Oh I love you so much..." even though the time I wrote those things I knew I wasn't in love, and I definetly know now that I didn't love him.

I also know that I'm not alone in having such a stupid relationship. There are tons of girls out there having those types of relationships, making their mistakes, hurting themselves. Isn't there anything I can do? not really, it's not like anyone would listen to me (just like how I didn't listen to anyone).

I think that as long as there's a reason to stay unhappy, then that relationship needs to end. There's no way to justify hurting oneself. It's not some glorious self-sacrifice for love or anything, it's just plain stupidity.

I seriously hope his dick rots off, but is left with a strong feeling of arousal. He'll never be able to satisfy those urges.. instead they'll be used against him. Go to hell T.H.E, because that would make me very happy. Die of being overly horny!!! MWAHAHAHAHHAHA..

Okay I'm done with the vulgar language.

--out---

Biting My Nails

Thu, 14 Feb 2008 09:29:55 GMT

As my previous bloggish type blog mentioned, I'd like to obtain a stable and successful job. I went out and applied at Santa Fe Grill as a server, and got hired on the spot. I start tomorrow at 5:30pm...

I hope they train me properly.. I've only served maybe a total of four shifts? not to mention... two years ago.

OH GREAT I'M GOING TO SCREW UP!!!!

I'm going to be a hostess for one shift, then run food for two shits and then shadow for two more shifts. Sweet bloody jesus I hope they don't expect me to have the menu memorized, or anything strange. and yes, by strange I mean... good customer service.. what.. the heck.... is that?!

People may think I'm a good people person, I mean.. I guess under my last three jobs on my resume it says "provide excellent customer service" but retail customer service is WAY DIFFERENT from waitress customer service.

*pulls hair out*

RAAARGH!! I'm so out of it (from only having two jobs in 2007) that I couldn't even consistently lie on my application form which he probably didn't even look at - BUT, if he did.. how am I going to explain that my excuse to leave Planet Organic in Sept 2006 was to start school, but on my resume it says I started school Sept 2007?!?!??!

--- goooooooood jooobbb ---

Anyway, one thing that I am fabulous at is learning new things quickly. Although it's not as quick anymore, maybe because I stopped learning new things at such a high rate? HAH HAH HAH.. one thing I SUCK at is multi-tasking.

hmm... well, wish me luck! I'll be putting on my best smile (even though I'm not sure which smile that is) and hopefully I'll get good enough to make decent tips!

teehee!

The Key to Motivation: A very bloggish type blog.

Fri, 08 Feb 2008 09:56:03 GMT

I feel pathetic.

I had a vision of my ideal life in Japan, and for some reason that vision has gone blurry and my desires have dimmed.

I'm not really sure why, but it's quite deadly to both my studies and my ability to stay with one company for at least a year.

I set goals at the beginning of this year, and two of them are already plummeting... this sucks. *sigh* It doesn't matter how much I scold or lecture myself, it'll always be the same. I can't motivate myself or push myself to do something I don't want to do. No one can. I put myself into park and refuse to move when I feel pressured to do something.I think I act that way even more when it comes to social norms. But I am fucking myself over. I know I'm fucking myself over. I know I have debts to pay and money to save up, and for some reason these facts don't sink in enough to force me to work out of desperation. Lots of people work out of sheer desperation, yet I... I don't know.. deep down, I must be completely against working out of desperation.

I must be completely stupid. What exactly do I expect? To enjoy a job that doesn't have any obstacles? Is it still so unclear to me that I can't have everything I ask for? ARGH. I'M SO SPOILED. I just feel like... throwing something.

I'm making myself feel crappy, but that doesn't work either. Even if I cry, how will crying just this one time now.. help me stay at a job for over a year? Say I am at a company for nine months, and I wake up one morning after a couple hours of sleep.. and the temptation of continuing to sleep is just so much stronger than getting up and going to work. It's not like I'm going to remember 'that time I cried because I couldn't stay motivated' to make myself go to work... hmm... I wonder if that made any sense to those who are reading this. Of course it makes sense to me cause I know exactly what I'm trying to say...

I haven't matured one bit.

I want to go apologize to Dollar Giant.. to Vanessa, but I wonder if it's unfair for me to do that? For me to apologize would just mean that I would expect to be forgiven, but it's not that I really want to be forgiven.. I just want to apologize. I'm lazy and irresponsible, but that's not what I would say. I already have an excuse, so I'm still wrong anyway for trying to cover up my ass with a lie... well, a partial lie.

That was.. a strange day. January 24th. I usually left for work 10 minutes before my shift (it was walking distance), but right before I had to get up from my seat to put on my jacket and leave, my throat was constricted and I couldn't breathe very well. The same thing has happend before.. I think in December or November some time, but luckily Krisi opened the store (Benix) for me at that time. January 24th was even more weird though. It was a series of sudden pain in my throat and chest where I couldn't breathe. They only lasted like... 40 seconds to maybe 2 minutes??? but they kept coming back, so in a way it was good that I didn't go to work. It happend to me again a couple days ago, but only once.. it was just that one day when it kept coming back every half hour or so.

I guess I should go see a doctor... pain in the throat and chest and constricted breathing is pretty serious I guess... I duno, it goes away after a while! I actually don't really understand myself. Maybe I'm stubborn about seeing doctors as well?

Anyway, I'm not really sure if Vanessa will still care for an apology or not. It is February 8th already. but... what if, by some weird miracle, I could get my job back at Dollar Giant? I mean, I did hear bits about Patrik who, I guess, sometimes didn't show up to his shifts but still kept his job somehow. At that store, for some reason, the more I was affected by other people calling in sick, the more it made me realise that I had to be one of the reliable ones there. It's strange because I never really felt that way about any other store. Another thing is that.. I just said above that I couldn't have it all, yet I actually really enjoyed Dollar Giant and there weren't many obstacles except for my own obstacle of being a lazy ass. Then again, Vanessa received about 6 - 10 applications while I worked there, so they must've replaced me by now. If anything, it would just be nice if I could shop there without any awkward encounters...

I am so angry at myself, and I can't even treat myself like an annoying neighbour or anything.. I'm stuck with me forever!

What songs would you include on the "soundtrack of your life?"

Thu, 17 Jan 2008 08:22:51 GMT

That is today's writers' block question. I realise that there's a button to answer the question, but it's too complicated of a question to answer on the spot. I see this question as an on-going blog, and maybe I'll post up some lyrics as well.

I'd say that these songs are candidates for now, and then go through a process of picking out the very very best ones.

1. I Remember You - Yui
So what if I don't really know what the song is about? hehehe, actually I'm sure it matters, but I'd say that the sound of this song defines an aspect of me or my life.

2. The Scientist - Coldplay
I saw this on other people's answers and I was like "ahh... gotta rip my coldplay CDs onto my computer!" and I'm listening to it right now and it's like........ AWW. Alright I'm a little weird... but I LOVED this song, and I still enjoy it now.

3. Fix You - Coldplay
I haven't heard this song in ages, and I don't own this CD either, but I know that when I hear it I'll tear up. As part of a small project in psychology class, I had to listen to this song three times in a row. I think the reason why this song really tugs at me is because I withdrew from all of my courses that semester, and it's an odd nostalgic feeling of wanting to go back and doing better.

4. Let Go - Frou Frou
I love the sound of this song. I love the movie this song accompanies. I love the sound of Frou Frou's voice. Do I truly understand what the song's about? Sorta....

5. 9 Crimes - Damien Rice
Okay, I should say this now, most of the songs I pick are usually for the sound. I am more of a sound person rather than a lyric type of person. I do enjoy the lyrics to this song, but I enjoy this song more for the vunerability and heaviness of the sound. LOVE IT!

Okay, I'll just do the five for now, I'll pick out more some other time and many other times and then come up with a final... five or ten.

Unrequited Love.

Tue, 15 Jan 2008 10:36:30 GMT

Lol.

I'm obsessed with loves stories these days. Or I guess you could say that I've been obsessed with loves stories within the past.. bunch.. of months. I think I became romance-deprived, and eventually turned back to my imagination to fulfuill my romantic desires. If that sounds odd, then I probably just didn't explain it very well.

It's an odd process to start liking boys again. I wasn't attracted to anyone, except for Dan, until a bunch of months ago. I don't think that it's bad to start finding other people attractive again, but I can't really say what it means either. I've had to decide whether I'd like to stay here with Dan forever, or if I want to move to Japan to chase after my dreams. After a long process, I decided to move to Japan. Although I feel much better and at ease that I've finally come to a decision, I'm still pretty terrified of failure. What if I go there and can't find a job? Can't get into the profession that I aim for? It's a scary thought, but for the first time in my life, I'd rather just do it than worry about it.

When I boldly tell people that I'm moving to Japan, and declare that Dan and I will break up when I leave, I get very cold stares as though I'm some heartless monster. I guess in a way, it can seem like "oh my goodness, this girl (who is MARRIED) is going to leave her husband behind and move to Japan..." But it's not like I am being secretive about it. Dan has known since the moment I even considered moving over there, and he was updated about my thought process along the way. There were many things that played into the factor of me moving, and I think it would be refreshing to get out of this country.

I realise now that I am in a very different state of mind than I was a year ago. When Dan and I met, my entire being felt as though it had found whatever it was that it was missing in the first place. Fireworks went off everytime we stared into eachothers' eyes and we both felt that this was perfect - that we were right for eachother. After many obstacles, we were brought down to a smaller scale of importance. For the year 2007 we set different goals for ourselves, and eventually spent less and less time together. Now that I look at it, the time we spend together now seems more healthy than the excessive amounts of hours we would spend together before. I think it was the whole adjusting from one to the other that was difficult.

On the other hand, I don't really know what's truly going on inside of me. I have such a strong and vivid imagination, that I don't know if I am deluding myself into thinking that I actually want to become a Seiyuu, or if I just want to go to Japan to live life and have a good time with many different Japanese males. I guess this leads into my current train of thought. I already explained how I thought that I'd be with Dan forever, right? Well, now I feel as though that is not an option for me. I think I'm starting to truly realise that I am still 23 years old, and there are at least a billion different meanings behind that statement.

How can I declare myself married? This is my second serious relationship, which also happens to be my second relationship ever. I am learning so much, and there's still more! I'm learning simple things (that actually aren't that simple) such as: Where is the line? What a vague question eh?

but honestly, where IS the line?

I understand that, on one side, you have to accept people for who they are and you can't change them otherwise you don't really love them. On the other side, how much garbage is one supposed to tolerate? There's a line in there, somewhere, right? but where? I believe that line is different for everyone. Some people are willing to put up with anything, and some people are ready to leave at the drop of a hair.

Dan is not a bad person, but he is (sadly) not the right person for me. It saddens me greatly to actually type out the words on a public blog - it just makes it so much more real. Dan and I love eachother very much, and I have learned so much more about myself that I wouldn't be able to learn with anyone else. It is not the end yet, even though I'm pretty sure that he's not the right person for me, neither of us are ready to just let go of one another.

I am such a rough person. Maybe not to everyone around me, but to the one that I love and care about the most. I just come off as a very harsh and.. abrasive(?) person. My words are hurtful when I'm angry, and when I'm irritable I can't always control the volume or the tone of my voice. I think it would be amazing for me to find someone who isn't easily bothered by that. I will always work to improve myself, and try not to say hurtful things to the people I love, but when I am angry I sometimes speak the truth but with a sting to it as well.

Dan is a very gentle person. He's gentle and soft, quiet and defensive. Defensive. I think defensive is the worst trait to pair together with someone who can't control the amount of irritation in her voice. I also think that I'm sick of being dominant in the relationship, and running it almost on my own. I'm not really running it anymore, as we're both pretty laid back and what not, but it was a very demanding task before.

I hope Japan is at least a little bit good to me.

I have a crush on a man, and I feel like a silly little girl. It's a nice, warm and refreshing feeling, but sad too because it's the feeling of wanting something untouchable. Perhaps the right word to describe this odd emotion of mine is.. hopeless? But being as I am, I know that I could change the course of this crush if I wanted to. I could end this crush and not have to deal with this odd emotion. I wouldn't have to daydream about cuddles and kisses and different ways of approaching or being approached.

I think that I enjoy tugging on my heart though. It keeps me on my toes, and it lets me feel my emotions.

Because sometimes I can't feel them.

As someone who enjoys writing, I find it important to dive in. I've also found that stories about unrequited love are quite popular.

I am far from love in relation to this man, but it would be nice to hang out with him for a while. Yes, it'd be really nice....