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At work, on my blackberry, experiencing a caffine crash. Feeling emotionally beaten for no good reason. I'm thinking that I need to give up caffine. Well, not all caffine because that seems impossible as even chocolate or tea has caffine in it, but the obvious forms of caffine. Drugs, coffee and... Drugs? I had another form in my head I've just.. Forgotten. I gotta say though, I really do love my blackberry and I really do love that I can do this anywhere - anytime. Siigh, I haven't had any meat in almost two weeks. I still eat seafood, but I hope to give that up someday as well. Preferrably when I learn to love tofu. Hmm. It just seems like so much to give up meat and now caffine. You know, like its a lot to think about. Aaand now I've got to vacuum at work. I wish I could rant more about my caffine induced depression... *edit* so I'm done vacuuming and unless another table steps in I'm done for the night. I don't even have an appetite right now, of course, caffine does that as well. Sigh, I feel so restricted sometimes. Can't spend money, can't eat meat, must work out, can't have caffine, must work, must go to school, must do homework must pass everything.. Gotta help mom, gotta help everyone. And to top it off, I have so much hate and anger in me. And I'm always trying to fix myself. Always learning to cope with people, be less angry, be more accepting, more laid back. I want to be better, yet I never feel like I'm good enough. Always try to be rational, non-judgemental, try to keep the sociological imagination. I'm tired. Sometimes I just want to crash and stay in a hole for a while. On the contrary though, I often feel like I'm alive because I try to do so much. Strange isn't it? I feel like I do so much yet in hindsight it always looks like I've done nothing. Today for example, I worked on my music documentary for four hours but didn't get much done. I mean, I did stuff.. But not four hours worth of stuff. I wonder what took me so long? Sigh... The last week of school is incredibly stressful. Yet again, I haven't actually done anything.. Just a whole lot of thinking. Speaking of my music documentary, I'm the producer (leader, pretty much). I rewrote most of the script, am editting music and vocals and am now re-recording most of the vocals becauswe the other girl didn't do it properly. Sigh. I went from feeling like I wasn't doing enough to feeling like I'm doing most of the work. I think that's a major reason why I'm so upset right now, but I'm the producer... I'm sure all I need to do is ask. And I did not too long ago, people seem to be cooperative.. I can only hope for the best - guess. Okay.. I think I've run out of juice.
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I think since my last entry that contained my many bitter emotions and memories, I haven't been angry. and that's... good :) sigh. what I would give to stay this happy forever. I don't think I have anything to give for that though. I just gotta try my damn hardest to not fuck this one up :) that is wrong though. I never fucked anything up. I was just stupid and didn't know when I was supposed to leave. there is a bright side though. would I have ever met vinh if things didn't go the way they did with dan?
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Have you ever? Ever.. Ever... felt so incredibly in love that you were too afraid to admit that it just may be love? "after fucking up so many times, how is it possible for this to be love?" has that ever run through your head? Broken in so many ways - almost numb to life, yet brought back... even if it's just a spark. That tiny spark that may be called happiness... It's really silly. I think the way it goes is that the emotions are so strong, that it couldn't possibly be.. or if I were to admit to such blasphemy.. it would fall to pieces I'd rather tape my mouth shut than let it fall to pieces. Don't. Please? Let's never speak of this again. |
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*siiiiigh* what to do, what to do. I am more focused in life than I have ever been. I'm not one-track minded, and I'm super motivated to do... well... everything! Ok that's a BIT of a lie.. I'm not overly enthusiastic about work, but I'm still working.. and it's been 3 months there... hooray for 3 months! I've also been going to the gym almost everyday since my birthday... what a present from myself! :D but you see? I'm doing everything I want to do instead of just sitting around wishing I was going to go do it! Give me a high five for discovering that I actually do have a crush on my crush. Sigh, silly isn't it? after I put in so much effort to write my last blog... only to contradict myself! we're... dating... it's good on many levels, but now very very bad after my friend put some perspective into me. well the relationship itself is not bad, just... having to reflect and speculate on it is bad :( I hate having to think. At least I look like I think now because I got glasses! hm.. hm.. so let's be realistic then. Suppose I do have feelings for Dan. What would they be? and why? This seems silly, having to recall what sort of feelings I had and what feelings I may have... ..... I don't know what to do. |
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Boys like me. I don't know what to do.... I don't know if I like them, I don't even know what it ACTUALLY feels like to like someone. I've only been single for... 4 days. Yep... single, but not on the market yet. I actually can't remember when I was really on the market... I think I was 19 at the time.. and it only lasted a month. "When you're too in love to let it go" I guess you could say this line is what drove me to break things off. It was ultimately a mutual agreement that we would still benefit and learn from each other as friends, but that there was nothing left for us as a couple. Even at my voice-over workshop, I was told that I don't express myself very well. I'm not extreme enough.. is what they said. I guess that would be because I don't feel much anymore. It's impossible (for me at least) to become completely numb, but I really gotta admit that I do have troubles feeling emotions. ....is that... bad? ( Read more... ) |
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depressed
happy